I've Been Sick...Not Really

I'm sorry I have not blogged in a while, I've been very, very ill.

Not really.

That's a lie. I have actually never felt better.

Except that a man loves me and I don't love him. I've allowed him to love me for months now and I don't know what to do.

His mannerisms irk me to no extent. The smell of his cologne makes me gag.

Worst of all? His kindness makes me want to vomit. Is it wrong that I would like him more if he were abusive?

I would enjoy our sex if he tugged my hair a little harder, pinned me down, bit me.

I fantasize about rape. Is that sick?

I can't bring myself to break up with him because I cannot fathom that I, the most empty person I know, would reject filling, warm, delicious love.

Love so pure and kind that its saccharine flavor makes me sick to my stomach.

Love so thick, like molasseses, that it makes my tongue stick to the roof of my mouth and makes my vomit slide back down to my acid filled stomach.

What is wrong with my heart?